


Not My Captain

by hermione_vader



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Slash, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 12:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Capkink.  The Avengers make Steve sit down and watch five in-universe films made about Captain America.  The films don't care for accuracy--he has love interests galore and one takes place in Vietnam!  And why is he jumping the fence to Switzerland?  Can they find just one that gets it right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Captain America's Great Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt [here](http://capkink.livejournal.com/1973.html?thread=2267061#t2267061).

"I can't do this," Steve said as he sat down next to Clint on Tony's couch.  "I can't watch myself when it's not myself."  
  
Clint fiddled with the remote.  "Yes, you can.  And you're going to have fun, dammit."  
  
"I, FOR ONE, AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS!" Thor boomed as he flopped down next to Clint.  
  
"Thor: indoor voice."  Natasha sprawled across a leather recliner on the opposite side of the room.  
  
"Oh, right."  Thor shoved a fistful full of popcorn into his mouth.  
  
"Alright, gentlemen---and lady," Tony began, standing in front of the TV.  "Let's get this marathon started, shall we?"  
  
" _I've_ got the remote, you idiot."  Clint pressed "Play."  
  
 **1. _Captain America's Great Escape_ (1963, starring Steve McQueen)**  
  
Steve tilted his head and stared at the screen.  "I liberated a POW camp, but I was never _in_ one.  And it was in Italy, not Germany."  
  
"But you jumped the fence into Switzerland, right?" Clint asked, grinning like a fourth-grader hoping for a good grade.  
  
"N-" He began, but Tony covered his mouth.  
  
"Okay, here it comes---and Clint, no more spoilers."  
  
This shorter, bleach-blond Captain charged the first barbed wire fence with his motorcycle---it leapt over with ease.  Now for the giant fence---the Captain charged again, and the bike soared...  
  
"YES!"  Thor stood up and pumped his fists.  Popcorn kernels scattered across the floor around him.  "YOU SUCCEEDED, STEVE!"  
  
Natasha covered her ears.  "INDOOR VOICE!"  
  
"I never did that!  None of this happened!" Steve protested.  "And where are the Howlers while I'm jumping fences?"  
  
"Um..." Clint looked away.  
  
The movie cut to a very short Dugan, a Scottish Falsworth, and a stout Dernier getting out of a truck with a bunch of other soldiers.  They walked around for a few moments.  Then the camera cut to the machine guns.  
  
"NO!" Steve cried out.  "What...why?  And where are Bucky, Gabe, and Morita?"  
  
"The black and Asian dudes got cut out of these stories---same thing happened with Westerns.  But Bucky got away in the stolen plane!"  Clint pointed at the screen.  "Gotta love James Garner!"  
  
"But Bucky was a sniper and none of us were pilots."  Steve put his head in his hands.  "The changes don't even make _sense_."  
  
"Didn't they mash your story up with another one or some shit?"  Tony remarked.  
  
Everyone paused.  
  
"Well, I enjoyed it greatly!"   
  
"THOR!"  Everyone shouted.


	2. America's Captain

**2. _America's Captain_ (1973, starring Robert Redford)**  
  
This movie opened with another Captain America slashing vines with a machete.  
  
"Steve, you never told me you fought in the jungle," Thor remarked, munching on pizza now.  
  
"I wasn't.  They never sent me to the Pacific."  
  
"Wait, is this set in Vietnam?" Clint asked.  "I forgot that."  
  
Steve sank back into the couch.  "What's Vietnam?  I mean, I know it's a country..."  
  
Tony glared at him.  "If you're an object of national pride, then Vietnam is an object of national shame.  You can Wiki it later."  
  
"HUSH!" Thor exclaimed.  "You _will_ pay attention."  He opened the white cardboard in front of him.  "Pizza?"  
  
They all sat back and watched this Captain fight his way through the jungle, stabbing and shooting guerrilla soldiers covered in facepaint in leaves.  He finally got back to base and met his Howling Commandos.  Gabe and Morita were there this time, but Dernier was Mexican, Dugan was still short, and Falsworth had a Boston accent.  
  
 _"He's the only thing moah American than da Red Sahx!" Not!Falsworth shouted as the Captain ran back to base._  
  
"Oh, I like that fellow," Thor said.  
  
"Shut up, Thor."  Clint grit his teeth.  
  
Steve kept his mouth shut.  The scene switched to evening and Vietnam's Captain snuck out of the base.  Steve leaned forward because he had no idea why he would have gone AWOL if Bucky hadn't been kidnapped.  
  
"Oh, this part, I remember," Clint murmured through pizza bites.  
  
This Captain trekked through the jungle again until he came across a tiny village, where a gaggle of children ran out to greet him.  
  
 _"Cahp-tahn! Cahp-tahn!" they cried.  He patted their heads and ruffled their hair.  A beautiful Vietnamese girl watched and smiled.  Then she walked up and gave him a passionate kiss.  She brought him back to her hut..._  
  
Ice clinked as Tony poured two glass of scotch.  "I think we can all safely assume this part is fiction."  
  
Steve looked away from the love scene.  "I don't feel right watching this..."  
  
"Then you're gonna need this."  Tony handed him the second glass of scotch.


	3. Courageous Captain America

**3. _Courageous Captain America_ (1984, starring Dirk Benedict)**  
  
The third Captain America hurled his trash can-lid shield into a cardboard-looking wall and tied up a Russian operative with what looked like oversized yarn.  He stomped around in his plastic-looking outfit, twinkled his big blue eyes, and used a cheesy pick-up line on his love interest, a nasal-voiced redhead named Stephanie.  Then he flashed a ridiculously cheesy grin as he sprinted down the half-metal, half-cardboard hallway.  
  
"What was this thing's budget?" Clint blurted out.  
  
Steve raised his eyebrows.  "Why am I fighting the Russians?  They were our allies, even if Stalin was a jerk."  
  
Tony poured another scotch.  "Google 'The Cold War' after this."  
  
"You know I can't get drunk, right?"  
  
"Who said this was for you?"  Tony took a long gulp.  
  
The Russians held the screaming woman, Stephanie, at gunpoint, so the plastic Captain pointed his oversized laser gun (which looked nothing like the real thing) at them, saying cheesy one-liners.  Just when he was about to fire, the TV clicked off.  
  
"NATASHA!" they all shouted.  
  
She put her hands on her hips.  "I found that offensive.  As a woman and a natural redhead.  Next selection, please."


	4. The Littlest Captain

4\. The Littlest Captain (1993, animated)

"I may be small, but I can fight---I've got my smarts, I've got my sight!" sang this next Captain America, who looked like a cartoon version of a sixth-grader.

"...Do they think I'm twelve?" Steve burst out when the song was finished. "Captain America is a kid?!"

"Disney knows their demographics." Tony had switched to vodka now. 

"And there are songs here. There was only one show tune during my time in the war. We performed it over two hundred times and I never really sang, but it was just one song."

Clint sighed. "It's a Disney thing. You know, the people who made Snow White and Pinocchio and Bambi. Well, not those exact people, but---"

"I understand, Clint."

Thor leaned forward and waved his hand at the television. "Look, Steve, it's your Commandos!"

Six animated little boys poked their heads out of a cluster of bushes after the boy-Captain finished his song. They looked about five and were now called Bucky, Tim, Monty, Gabe, Jim, and Jack. At least Dugan got to keep his red hair and bowler hat.

"We love you, Steve!" Tim cried out, giving him a bear hug.

"Yeah, we'll follow you anywhere!" Bucky agreed, also hugging them. Then the little Howlers sang about friendship.

Natasha curled up into a ball on her recliner. "That is kind of sweet."

Steve nodded. "Yeah, it is. Wait, why are they flying on broomsticks?"

"And why are they do they keep saying 'the Nutzies?'" Clint rubbed his temples. "Did they get hatemail from some Politically Correct Parents Association or something?"

"I don't know. And now Peggy is a red, white, and blue pixie. With an American accent."

Clint glared at the screen. "I think the screenwriters got high, watched Peter Pan and your old newsreels on loop, and thought that'd make a great movie."

Tony took another swig of vodka. "And now a bunch of kids just landed at Normandy. What was that about political correctness?"

"I don't see the problem," Thor said, smiling. "I enjoy the songs."

They all groaned.


	5. The Good Captain

5\. The Good Captain (2002, starring Brad Pitt)

Steve couldn't look away from this version. Whoever wrote it actually did some research. The time was right, the uniforms were right, even this actor looked something like him. They managed to show him before the operation, and Steve couldn't figure out how they did it.

"These effects blew everybody's minds," Tony said. "Even I got fooled. At first."

But it wasn't just the effects. This man spoke like Steve, carried himself the same way. He was the first one who didn't seem like he just mugging for the camera, in Steve's opinion. And the Commandos finally looked something like their real selves, for the most part.

"Hey, there's your buddy Bucky," Tony said, elbowing Steve in the ribs.

Steve crossed his arms. "That looks nothing like him. And I think he's hiding a British accent."

"He's good, though," Clint remarked. "But has that kid been in anything else? Does anybody even remember his name?"

"I think it was Tom," Tony replied. "He looks like a Tom."

"How can someone look like a Tom?"

"I don't know. It's all in the blue eyes. And people've told me I look like a Robert. Then again, that usually happens at one a.m. in nightclubs."

"Sssshhh!" Natasha and Thor each put a finger to their lips.

They turned back to the movie, but Tony and Clint couldn't stop whispering.

"So did Peggy look anything like Rachel Weisz?"

"Was Erskine as big as Philip Seymour Hoffman?"

"No, he wasn't, Tony," Steve hissed. "Not really, Clint, but she had big brown eyes like that. Now let me watch."

Finally they shut up when they got to a scene where this Captain and this Bucky were alone in their bunk.

_"You know something, Steve?" Bucky said, unbuttoning his uniform. "I love you."_

_"You mean you love America. You love what the Captain stands for." The Captain looked away as Bucky opened his shirt._

_"No. I love you." Bucky cupped the Captain's chin in his hand and kissed him. The Captain clutched Bucky tightly and they sprawled across the bed._

Tony glanced at Steve. "We can turn it off if you're not---"

"No!" Clint interjected. "Please! This scene gets me every time."

"It's alright, Tony," Steve said, refusing to look away. "It's kind of beautiful, really."

"Clint, how many times have you seen this movie?" Natasha asked, looking suprised.

"A...a few times." Clint bit his lip. "You were robbed at the Oscars, Brad! ROBBED!"

Natasha sighed and stood up. "I'll get the tissues."

Steve never expected a movie about himself to be a love story, and not one like this. But it was okay. He liked it. This Captain loved his Bucky. Steve couldn't ask for more than that.

_Bucky and the Captain clung to the edge of the train. Bucky reached up for one last kiss and let go._

_"NO!!!" The Captain screamed into the wintry air. The camera zoomed in on his face and faded to black._

"BUCKYYYYY!!!" Clint and Thor wailed together. They each grabbed a few more tissues.

"Oh, God," Natasha murmured.

Tony started blinking rapidly and looked away. "That was...well done. Definitely less sappy than Titanic. I'm fine."

Steve clapped Tony's shoulder. "You're right. I wasn't brave enough to try that with Bucky, though."

"That because you had to be brave for everyone," Thor said before blowing his nose again.

"Amen to that." Clint gave Steve a hug. Steve smiled and patted his back.

At least someone cared.


	6. The Good Captain-Extended Commentary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for a commenter who requested it, and I included it here as a bonus chapter.

Steve sat on his hands as he watched this Captain (Brad, Clint called him) pulled this blond, curly-haired Bucky onto the bed.  
  
 _"Come 'ere," the Captain whispered, ruffling Bucky's curls and peeling his shirt off. He ran his hands up and down Bucky's body slowly, kissing his chest. "You're...you're beautiful."  
  
"So are you." Bucky bent down and kissed his Captain roughly. "You always were."_  
  
"This Bucky is too pretty," he said. Everyone stared at him. "Well, that's what the real Bucky would say."  
  
"I'd still switch teams for both of them," Clint mumbled.  
  
"Switch...what?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
 _They'd finally slipped their clothes off when Bucky rolled over and pulled the Captain up on top.  
  
"Let's see what that serum can really do," he said with a cheeky smile. He paused. "That came out terribly."  
  
"Maybe." The Captain buried his hands in Bucky's hair again, and the scene switched to music-flooded slow-motion clips of them kissing, pawing, thrusting._  
  
"Do we need to fast-forward?" Clint asked.  
  
Steve took a deep breath. "No. I'm fine. I'm just surprised that everbody else is."  
  
"My younger brother bedded a horse," Thor said loudly. "I can handle anything."  
  
Clint sighed. "Thor, please shut up."  
  
 _The Captain and blond Bucky collapsed together, laughing. They curled up in a tangled ball of sheets and limbs._  
  
 _Bucky ran his fingers along the Captain's jaw. "So, we doin' this again?"_  
  
 _The Captain chuckled. "S'pose so."_  
  
 _"We're gonna screw our way across Europe, aren't we?"_  
  
 _"Probably." They kissed again, more gently this time._  
  
"If only," Steve whispered.  
  
"What was that?" Tony interjected.  
  
Steve glanced at the floor. "Nothing."  
  
Clint leaned back on the couch. "You sure you're alright with this?"  
  
"Yeah, I think so. It's their story, not mine. Not really. But I like it."  
  
"So are there more of these scenes?" Natasha asked.


End file.
